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Monday, December 28, 2009

It must be the time of year. Somehow I got caught looking in two directions at the same time today. It all caught up with me at once, the weight of the past few days (weeks, months, whatever) of doing anything but sleeping, and the prospect of a blind plunge into the days (weeks, months) ahead. I got a little dizzy, spun around a few times and fell down.

Not literally, of course. It all happened inside my head. Besides, I was sitting down at the time, so the fall wouldnít have been that far even if it had been a literal one. What really happened was, I couldnít keep my eyes open and I fell into a deep midday sleep, and when I woke up I still didnít feel fully awake. Whatever the name for that condition is, I blame the time of year. Too much. Not enough time.

The thing is, itís not totally unsatisfying to hit an imaginary wall and fall into a deep trancelike state. It sounds worse than it feels. For one thing, during the event, everything else goes away, including all the stuff thatís been keeping me awake. Once thatís gone, I can indulge myself in imagining the better world I used to believe in, the one where everything goes right. All it takes is being oblivious to reality for a couple of hours. At least, thatís a start.




28 December 2009



Itís tempting to say todayís stupor will have a positive effect on how tomorrow turns out, but I donít think I should count on that. Iím hopeful, though, just knowing that something like this is possible, and that I didnít have to do anything to make it happen except (a) work too hard, (2) sleep too little, and (c) give up all control. Iím pretty sure thatís not the key to happiness, but for now Iíll take a little occasional retreat from reality.




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