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Sunday, April 24, 2005

Do people really have dreams that they wish would come true? There are even songs written about dreams, in just those terms, as if you see a perfect world in your sleep.

Thatís not the way it is with me. I donít remember many dreams, but when I do, it isnít ever anything I hope for. Itís almost always something I dread, either an alternative version of something thatís happened, gone way wrong, or a projected future reality that reflects my fears and anxieties.

Whether or not I remember what Iíve been dreaming about, I never wake up from a dream and wish I could go back into that dream world. I never want to relive whatever Iíve been going through. Somehow in my dreams Iíve always screwed something up, and someone has found me out and exposed me for the fraud that I know I am. Who needs to be reminded of that by his subconscious?

When I was a child, my dreams were usually heightened versions of what was happening to me — at home, in school or on the playground. The bullies were just a little meaner and more ruthless than they were in real life. The embarrassment was a bit more vivid. Voices were louder and wounds were deeper. I donít know when I stopped having these childhood dreams, but they stayed with me. Thatís probably why I repress the dreams I have now.

Last night I kept waking up with this sense of unease and foreboding. Just the very edge of the dream state had enough weight to seep into my waking memory. By the time I rolled over, it was gone. Thatís one reason I never write about dreams here. You know the other reason.

So Iíve never dreamed of hitting the winning home run in the World Series, or flying to the moon, or falling in love. I dream about being locked out of the house, or getting shut up in a dark room, or falling into a deep hole. And those are only the ones I remember.

4 April 2005

Clouds moving in.

I donít know if I even believe in the other kind of dreams, the kinds glorified in song and story. Maybe you have to have hope to have a hopeful dream, but I think itís more than that. I think it probably depends on an absence of fear more than on a positive hopefulness. If you know everything is going to work out, thereís room for a dream where life is even better. But who has that? Who has room in their mind for that? I donít.

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The good news is that even though the Giants were behind the entire game, they kept coming back and giving themselves chances to win. The bad news is that they didnít win. They stayed in the game, but as it has all season, the big hit eluded them, and they lost to the Brewers, 8-5. It would have been a great day, except for the final score, and the performance of starter Jerome Williams, who kept throwing fat pitches to power hitters. But at 8-10, the Giants still have a better record than the Yankees, and two games better than at the same time last year, when they were in the division race until the last weekend of the season.

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"You wouldn't want to be a fly on that wall. You'd be begging for somebody to swat you."

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