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Monday, October 30, 2000

Yes, I did stick to the Slim-Fast diet today. Two shakes and one meal, and that's all. The meal was pretty substantial, but it still couldn't add up to the junk I've been shoveling down my throat for the last few weeks.

Since I don't have a scale, I won't know my starting weight, and I won't know how much I've lost. But I've decided I don't care. I'm not doing this because of any arbitrary numerical goal. If I had one, I'd probably abandon the diet once I reached it.

I just want to feel better. I want to be able to sit in my desk chair and not feel as if I were holding a balloon full of jell-o on my lap.

Somehow I have to space out the two daily shakes in a way that keeps me from getting light-headed before I can fix a meal. And today I had to keep reminding myself not to go to the kitchen and scrounge around for something to stave off the hunger. I know I wasn't really hungry, just in the habit of eating.

So, do I need a new scale? Not to keep me on my diet. At least, I don't think it will make a difference whether I monitor any weight loss. It's taken me months to get to the point where I could commit myself to changing my eating habits. I've been here before, and I know one thing about myself. I know I have the will power to stick to the regimen.

For how long? Unfortunately, my downfall the last time, after months of being good, was the holiday season. It wasn't just the Big Food holidays where the family gathers around heaping platters of roast beast with all the trimmings. It was also the tempting treats available everywhere I looked, every day. There was no escape, and I gave in without much resistance.

Maybe the fact that I'm starting now, at the beginning of this precarious period, will help me get through it this time around. I know what the stakes are, and I don't want to feel the way I have these last few days. And I know that if I can get past the seasonal temptations, I'll be okay.

The goal is to feel good again. Once I get there, I'll substitute modest meals for the daily milkshakes. That's when I'll need a new scale, to test myself. Random testing, just to make sure. The weight spikes will tell me when I'm headed down the wrong path, and I can regroup and recommit.

I like to eat. At my age, I shouldn't have to give up something I like. But I like feeling comfortable inside my body even more. I'm at a place where I have to force myself to do what's best for me, even if it's something that conflicts with the gratification of my sweet tooth.

The bag of miniature Snickers I bought for Halloween should last for months. I have it just in case of trick-or-treaters, but I don't expect any back here in the woods. The driveway is flooded in spots from the rain we've been having. I don't know of any kids who would think it was worth it to try to find my door. (If I don't turn the outside lights on, that'll probably keep them away for sure.)

They should be doing their candy gathering at the mall where it's safe, anyway. But I'm ready for them, if they show up. If not, I'll have a little bag of leftover temptation to test my resolve.

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