bunt sign

Monday, May 16, 2005

Of all the things I need to get rid of, this roll around my middle is probably the one Iíd most like to say goodbye to. Twenty minutes of mowing once a week (and only when it doesnít rain) isnít going to do it. Iíve cut down on dietary excesses already, but thatís only half the battle (maybe less). I hate repetitive exercises, so Iím going to have to come up with a plan. And then, somewhere down the line, Iím going to have to put that plan into action. Iím wearing myself out just thinking about it.

Somehow Iíd also like to get rid of that blue-black cloud thatís always hanging either just over my head, or just out of sight around the corner, ready to turn the whole world heavy and dark. I work on it, truly I do. Itís not visible all the time, or even most of the time these days. I canít quite play the role of the sunny optimist, but I can now sometimes allow myself to remember that the darkness always passes, usually sooner than later. Itís not easy, though.

Nor is it easy to get rid of the sensation that Iím not good enough. Every human interaction is fraught with the danger that Iíll be rejected, or worse, overlooked. Iíve had so much experience being ignored that Iíve come to think of it as the norm. Itís what I deserve, I tell myself, but somehow that doesnít make me feel any better about it. So I work on it, and I lean heavily on my family and friends to remind me that I have some value. Iím not always convinced, but I can leave the door to that possibility slightly ajar.

12 May 2005

Cloud ribbon.

Tonight, though, Iím thinking I need to get rid of the piles of paper that now cover all four corners of my desk and every other flat surface in the room. All that would take is a little filing. Iíll get right on that, as soon as Iíve sorted out all my personality disorders. And right after Iíve paid all the bills and done the payroll and reconciled the bank statement and filled out all the license renewals and dusted the knickknack shelf. In other words, not any time soon.

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For a third (or fourth, whatever) place network, NBCís new fall shows seem a little uninspired. Of course, maybe thatís why theyíre sinking so badly this season. The new shows sound like high concept jokes: Inconceivable, a medical drama set in a fertility clinic, and The Apprentice: Martha Stewart. At least thereís no Fear Factor on the schedule (although Iím sure theyíll bring it back as soon as Three Wishes, the new reality show starring singer Amy Grant as Ty Pennington, tanks in the ratings).

Recent recommendations can be found on the links page.

One year ago: Swinging
"Why go plain when fancy is so much fun?"

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