Of all the things I need to get rid of, this roll around my middle is probably the one Iíd most like to say goodbye to. Twenty minutes of mowing once a week (and only when it doesnít rain) isnít going to do it. Iíve cut down on dietary excesses already, but thatís only half the battle (maybe less). I hate repetitive exercises, so Iím going to have to come up with a plan. And then, somewhere down the line, Iím going to have to put that plan into action. Iím wearing myself out just thinking about it.
Somehow Iíd also like to get rid of that blue-black cloud thatís always hanging either just over my head, or just out of sight around the corner, ready to turn the whole world heavy and dark. I work on it, truly I do. Itís not visible all the time, or even most of the time these days. I canít quite play the role of the sunny optimist, but I can now sometimes allow myself to remember that the darkness always passes, usually sooner than later. Itís not easy, though.
Nor is it easy to get rid of the sensation that Iím not good enough. Every human interaction is fraught with the danger that Iíll be rejected, or worse, overlooked. Iíve had so much experience being ignored that Iíve come to think of it as the norm. Itís what I deserve, I tell myself, but somehow that doesnít make me feel any better about it. So I work on it, and I lean heavily on my family and friends to remind me that I have some value. Iím not always convinced, but I can leave the door to that possibility slightly ajar.