Oh, the things that haunt you in the middle of a sleepless night. I feel a little like a ghost myself sometimes, wandering through the hallways of my own life. At four o'clock in the morning, I can believe almost anything as long as it's something dire.
Some of it is the dark, and the isolation. I'm alone in this house in the country, but I don't feel alone during the day. Maybe that's why I turn on the TV as soon as the sun goes down. Maybe it's why I don't turn it off and go to bed as any sane person would do. Maybe it's why I couldn't stop watching last night until I learned whether Joey had chosen Dawson or Pacey.
As soon as it's quiet, and the house starts creaking and groaning, it puts me in the mood to feel the weight of all my bad decisions, smothering me like a blanket. Anything that looks rosy during the daylight hours is suddenly cast in shadows. Sinister possibilities come skulking out from under the furniture. Fear is a real presence in the night air.
It's not that I take my responsibilities lightly, but while I'm working I don't let them oppress me. During the time I'm actually doing my job, it doesn't seem important to cross every T and take every calculation out to the thousandths place. Those details become important only when everything else is put to bed, and I'm left with no one's voice in my ear by my own. It's a dangerous thing, hearing oneself think.
That's how two o'clock becomes three o'clock becomes four o'clock. That's how I end up trying to get an hour or two of sleep after the sun has already started coming up the next day. It's why I'm cranky and testy and short-fused so much of the time lately. But at least I woke up this morning knowing which one Joey ended up with. That helped put the demons to rest for one more day, until at least tonight. Then I either will or won't go through it all again.