Yesterday was one of the weirdest days I can remember. Nothing happened (that I know of) to make it that way, but for some reason I felt like a stranger in my own skin. Every thought in my head rattled around like a marble in a bathtub. Whenever I tried to do something, it seemed so much harder than it should be that it wasn't even worth the effort.
It should have been a good day, because I had time on my hands. I had time to get caught up on the work I've been putting aside to get through the big project. Now that the project was complete, I had no reason not to catch up on these other tasks. No reason except my mind was so out of tune I didn't recognize myself.
At one point I even told myself that it was a great chance to get caught up on my filing. There isn't that much to it, except that it takes a little time and a little (very little) concentration. I walked to the file cabinet, saw the stack of invoices and other papers, and decided I just couldn't do it. And if I couldn't do that, what chance was there that I could do something more demanding?
I thought I was losing it. I didn't define it any more specifically than that, because I was afraid of what I might decide the real problem was. I don't even want to think about that now.
Besides, it all seems like a hazy dream today. I'm not back to full steam, by any means, but I did have more energy and focus. I'm still tired. I fell asleep early on the couch last night, and I overslept this morning, and I'm still thinking I could collapse at any moment. I'm achy all over, and that has me worried (which is part of my whole attitude problem).
The answer seemed to be to stay busy all day, and I managed to do that, without any help from outside sources asking for a piece of me. I did some good work today, important only in the context of keeping the company running, but it's work I'm proud to claim. That's made all the difference in my outlook.
It seems I'm always either dreading or embracing the next moment in time, instead of just letting it happen and guiding myself through it. I have these occasional random meltdowns, but I always get through them and come out of them stronger (for awhile, at least). I don't know what tomorrow will bring, or if I'll be ready for it. All I can do is try to be ready to get ready.