This could be a bad sign. Every so often today, I realized that I'd come to a full stop. I'd suddenly find myself with my eyes closed, or just staring off at nothing. I stopped short of curling up in a ball and sucking my thumb, so maybe I should consider myself lucky.
I spent way too much of the day trying to talk myself into doing something I didn't feel like doing. I even made a to-do list, topped with the most unpleasant tasks. Credit applications, cost breakdowns, new tax tables, that sort of thing. Then I went ahead and did the things at the bottom of the list.
It's not enough to put these chores off. I also have to beat myself up about it, and moan about how little time I have to get everything done. Oddly enough, none of this helps. Go figure. Eventually I have to get through the list, even the items at the top, and putting it off doesn't make it a bit easier.
This afternoon, after I'd run out of excuses and diversions, I tackled the first form on my list. Within five minutes my head was down on my desk, my eyes were closed, and I was wishing the roof would cave in on me. Or that the phone would ring, anything to get me out of this morass of melancholy.
But nothing happened. Nothing happened except that I picked my head up and started to do the work. It wasn't fun or easy, and it didn't all go smoothly, and I didn't get it all done, but I felt a little better after actually working on it for a while, instead of just bemoaning my fate and wishing I was somewhere else (or someone else).
At one point I needed some input from the Boss, so I phoned and asked if he had time for me. "I do, but I'll have to call you right back." Three and a half hours later, he did. It occurs to me that most of my trials and travails were during those hours, and once he'd answered my question, I moved on with a little more spring in my step. It could be that I'm more dependent than I thought.