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Friday, August 19, 2005

My big mistake, other than getting out of bed this morning before the phone forced me to, was that second cup of coffee. Or maybe it was the first cup of coffee, because thatís what led to the second one. I came out of the coffee house a little bouncy, like Tigger. Before the afternoon was over I was doing the full Eeyore (more or less as usual).

Another mistake was investing so much time and emotion into the Big Brother live feeds that I felt betrayed when they were off (replaced by the fish tank) for most of the day. Just when I was becoming convinced I was getting my moneyís worth, CBS pulls the rug out from under me. I probably shouldnít have watched the fish tank all day, but I was hoping to see those people return to my monitor, slapping each other and tearing each otherís hair out. What a disappointment.

This blackout had better turn out to be worth it. Slapping and hair tearing wouldnít be enough to justify a full day without my hamster fix. Plus, that fish tank is making me have to pee more often than a human being with a normal sized bladder should. Bubbles, bubbles, all day long. Iím slightly manic about it, but it could be that the extra caffeine made me just a little too alert. Although these are some of the most interesting fish Iíve seen, and they have more personality than half of the house guests.

For some reason (and I think we all know what it is), I wasnít able to concentrate on anything for more than ten minutes at a time all day long. That doesnít mean I didnít get any work done. I started several projects, in fact. I just didnít get very far with any of them. And I left a whole lot of stuff to do tomorrow, which shapes up to be just another working Saturday (with fish and bubbles). This time I have nothing to blame but my own weakness (not that I wouldnít have found plenty to do tomorrow even if Iíd put in eight or ten productive hours today; we know better than that).

I tried, really tried, to watch two different movies tonight. I didnít get much out of either of them, but I let them play all the way through and Iíll mail them back to Netflix tomorrow. The upside is that Iíll no doubt forget Iíve ďseenĒ them, rent them again, and thoroughly enjoy them. Or perhaps not.

You know, itís now almost midnight and I can still feel that stuff in my system. I want to say Iíve learned my lesson, but itís the same lesson I thought Iíd learned oh so many times before. I guess Iíve had an old lesson reinforced, which should keep me sucking decaf for a good long time. Or herbal tea or lemonade; anything but this.

15 August 2005

Last rays.

Iím never completely myself when Iím drinking alcohol or overdosing on coffee. Sometimes I like myself better while Iím under the influence of either substance. I lose a little bit of control, but most of the time I feel almost too controlled. Itís easier to be the person I think I want to be. But I know I have addictive tendencies, and the last thing I want is to be dependent. Iím dependent enough on the people in my life; I donít have to a slave to chemicals.

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The best thing the Giants could hope for as they rolled into St. Louis tonight was a pitchersí duel, because they knew that the Cardinalsí starter, Chris Carpenter, has been all but untouchable for the last two months. The philosophy in a situation like that is to keep the game close and hope. And they got what they were looking for, seven shutout innings from Brad Hennessey and solo home runs from Omar Vizquel and Ray Durham for a 2-0 lead in the eighth. They got two more runs in the top of the ninth and took a 4-0 lead into the home half. And then, as you can probably guess, and just in case my foreshadowing skills arenít all they should be, the wheels came off. The best team (by far) in the National League beat the Giants, 5-4.

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"And I love the losers as much as the winners."

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