bunt sign

Tuesday, April 23, 2002

I'm guessing that people who are stronger and wiser than I am don't overanalyze themselves like this. I mean like that very sentence. It would never occur to someone who was sure of himself, knew what he wanted and where he was going, and didn't have any doubts about the way he lived his own life.

Those people are out there, and they don't even know it. They think we are like them. That's why they don't like us. They consider us weak because we think too much instead of acting. I don't trust my instincts enough to try to live the way they do. I always think that there are too many ways of looking at life, and that means my way isn't necessarily the right way or the best way or even a good way.

For that self-assured person, today would have been just another day when he did what he had to do and got what he needed out of it. He wouldn't have worried about the nervous feeling in his stomach, because he wouldn't have felt it. He would have dismissed how heavy his legs felt and gone ahead with whatever he needed to do, instead of thinking he should be lying in a still, darkened room. He never lies in still, darkened rooms.

He probably would have got a lot more done. He wouldn't have had to spend time toweling off the carpet, because he'd never have knocked over that glass of water when the phone rang. If he heard a strange noise outside, he would have marched out and confronted it, instead of peeking through the blinds and hoping it would just go away. He'd have pulled weeds, even though he didn't feel like it.

I don't know who he is, but most of the time I think he's everybody who isn't me.

where did this come from?

I'll try to explain this tomorrow.

On the other hand, that mythical Somebody didn't spend part of the day reading Maeve Binchy, listening to David Byrne and watching Les Ballets Trockadero. So who's better off?

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One year ago: Bye Bye Birdie
"Just when I got used to having them in my house, something larger and noisier has moved in."

Two years ago: Where Am I?
"I'm feeling tonight as if I've pushed a reluctant Buick up Mount Tamalpais."

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I'm bigger, smarter, stronger, tough, yet sensitive and kind,
And though I could crush you like a bug it would never cross my mind.