bunt sign

Monday, September 17, 2001

My head is swimming with the should and shouldn't of the unfathomable future. Somebody knows, right, or will know? Someone is analyzing all the variables and playing chess against a dozen or a thousand phantom opponents, working out all the possible permutations of every course of action that's been proposed over the last week. Right? Because I can't do it.

I can't think about what will happen as a result of the choices we're agonizing over. I mean, I can think about it, but I can also see it trailing off in so many different directions that I have no opinion about what the proper response would be. I can't believe I'm saying that I don't know right and wrong, and that I have to trust that those with the authority to make these decisions do know. Right and wrong, wise and foolish. The long run and the here and now.

Whatever we do will be wrong in someone's eyes. Anything we try will have twists and turns, and limited success. It's likely to require improvisation and redirection. There will be advances and retreats, and we might never get to the top of the hill. We might, in fact, fail. We could possibly, with all good intentions, make it all worse than ever, worse than ever we imagined.

So, do we plunge ahead, hoping for the best? Or do we wait and see if a better answer presents itself? Do we go hacking through the jungle, or hire an engineer to build a road? Do we fire blindly in the general direction of where we think we ought to be aiming, or do we wait for the smoke to clear and the target to become visible? How long do we wait? How long is too long?

It's not that I haven't thought about it. It's not that I'm totally uninformed or incapable of rational thought. It's more that I can see tigers lurking behind every bush, and I can't figure out which ones to confront. Some of them are rabid, and must be destroyed. Some are booby-trapped and should be avoided. Some are tame and should be respected. By the time I can figure out which is which, it'll be too late.

wild grass with rock

It's a good thing it's not up to me. I just have to have faith that there are enough clear minds reasoning these things out that the moves we make will get us where we need to be. I have to believe that they will not destroy more than can ever be rebuilt. I have to believe that they have only good intentions in their hearts, and enough knowledge and wisdom in their heads. I have to believe that. I have to.

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