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Monday, September 11, 2000

I have to keep reminding myself how good things are for me. I'm ashamed that I can't remember, but I let the petty details of living get me down at times. If I allowed myself to wallow, I'd be feeling justifiably miserable. Since I'm at least self-aware enough to put my feelings under the lens, I'm just miserable, without justification. And the lack of justification makes me even more unhappy with myself.

When I scan up and down the list of complaints, it seems pretty feeble, and so do I. Currently, I'm fighting the demons over such things as the wet carpet smell in my house. (At least I have a house, and a right nice one, at that.) I'm suffering (temporarily) from a more severe sunburn than I've had in years (but one which will be a mere memory before the week ends, and is anyway the result of a wonderful day).

And I could go on, about the printer taking so long to print envelopes, and then only when I'm pushing the envelopes through, one by one. Argggh, I hate that. But at least I have a printer.

Check this one out: We got three big checks in today. Finally, the company bank account is full and I can pay off all the creditors that have been hounding me lately. So what do I focus on? I had to keep working until 8:30 tonight, writing all those checks and getting them ready to go into the mail tomorrow. And I'm tired.

That's the kind of thing that gets to me if I let it. Maybe my guard is down from lack of sleep, but I'm less in control of my emotions than I'd like to be. If it takes another affirmation, so be it.

I love my house. I love the peace and quiet, the roominess, the freedom. I have a job that I do well and that supports me. I have a wonderful family. I get 200 TV channels. The Giants are on their way to the playoffs.

There. Now I feel better again. Until the next time I forget.

All in all, the money situation put such a positive spin on my day that I didn't really mind working late. I've been waiting for these checks for weeks, and to have them all come at once was almost too much. But I like paying bills and still having some money left over. It won't last long, because I'll have to pay back the credit lines we borrowed from, but at least I can breathe again.

That's the way the construction business is, though. Every time you get paid, you're getting paid for all of your suppliers, and most of the money goes out much faster than it came in. You can't do the job without paying the workers who are doing it, and that sometimes means borrowing. I don't know how long it's been since the company was totally out of debt, but that doesn't bother me. It's when were in debt and broke at the same time that I get that nervous stomach.

One good thing about working late is that it'll ease the guilt for any upcoming slackage. I can take an extra break or two tomorrow, if I need it, without feeling as if I'm stealing the Boss's money. Not that I have time to waste, but I'm just saying. Something could come up. I might need a nap.

I almost always need a nap.

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