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Wednesday, November 9, 2005

This business of not sleeping at night is starting to take a toll. I thought Iíd fought it off for one more day by sleeping a little later this morning, thanks to the phone being quiet for a change. (I actually got a little worried when it didnít ring at all until afternoon, but I was too tired to do anything about it.) And I did start the day with a little more energy, but I hit that same wall I always hit, at about the same time.

The worst part of this isnít the physical strain Iím feeling. Thatís part of it, of course. My muscles ache and I canít seem to move with all my body parts working toward the same goal. Thatís why I keep dropping things, or running into things, and itís why whatever I do I do slowly. Slower every day, in fact.

Itís the mental and emotional part thatís doing the most damage. I canít keep focused on what Iím doing, and I get alternately angry and weepy. I was downcast this afternoon when it started to get dark so early, but then I tried to keep working and I ended up slamming things around because I was frustrated. Nobody would want to be around me right now. Iím yelling at people I have no particular gripe with. The Boss took the brunt of it today, but only because he was the only person I talked to during the day.

2 November 2005

Birch tree, clouds beyond.

If only I felt as listless, lethargic and lousy at night as I do during the day, then Iíd probably get to bed early and get enough sleep to make my days better. It works the other way around, for some reason. Maybe Iím just too tired to fall asleep at night. Maybe something deep inside me is trying to punish myself for something (like, say, being so miserable all day, and not getting enough work done, and then whining about it in my journal).

Itís now almost as if Iím past caring. Itís as if Iíve given up, and resigned myself to feeling like this all the time. That could be the key to surviving it, come to think of it. If I donít let it get to me, I can relax and take whatever comes. Why worry about not sleeping, when I donít sleep whether I worry about it or not? Yeah, thatís the ticket.

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Progressives probably shouldnít get too giddy about the victories in yesterdayís elections. Itís not that we shouldnít celebrate the rejection of Arnold Schwarzenegger and his policies and his politics and his methods. But reading too much into a single day of victory, however sweet, is a recipe for disappointment when it really counts, a year from now when we will be electing a new Congress. To build on the current wave of success, we will have to work hard and take nothing for granted. Thatís all Iím saying.

For other journal recommendations, check out the links page.

One year ago: Missing
"Saying goodbye under those circumstances is painful and emotional."

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But the boat belonged to a kooky old witch
Who had in mind the flute to snitch