bunt sign

Friday, May 4, 2001

I think I may have the wrong attitude about this diet. I shouldn't be looking forward to the day when I can eat cookies again. The diet is a path to a goal, but the goal is to attain a weight I can sustain comfortably. The bigger goal is maintaining a healthy body.

In the third week of my diet I lost another two pounds. That's twice as much as last week, and eight pounds overall. It's an acceptable rate of loss, if not quite extraordinary. And this past week includes a day of bingeing at the ballpark, so it could have been even better.

When I started, it was because I felt bad, physically, and that led to feeling emotionally weak. I was eating out of habit, or compulsion, or simple boredom. I'm out of that habit now, and I should be able to keep myself from lapsing. I should, but I've been here before, and I know that one lapse leads to another, the same way one cookie leads to another.

Somehow I have to break the chain this time. I have to remember how miserable I felt that day when the scale read twenty pounds more than I thought it should. I knew my body wasn't designed to carry that much bulk, and I knew it was up to me to do something about it.

To be honest, even after losing eight pounds, I don't feel much better. I still get uncomfortable in my own skin. My belly still feels as if it's full of water balloons rubbing together. I'm not sure if I'm not eating the right things, or not exercising properly, or if it's something else.

All I know for sure is that I don't want to go back to stuffing my face for no good reason. If wanting is enough, I should make it.

a hummer at the feeder

It's a good sign, I think, that I've been able to keep the new year's resolutions. I've coveted new books, CDs and DVDs, but I promised I wouldn't buy any this year and I haven't. That's a strength of will I wasn't sure I could muster. Still, it's been only four months.

When the yearlong ban is over, I'll have gaps to fill in my collection. But I don't plan to go on a buying spree, because I've learned over the last four months that there are things I can do without. A CD I would have bought automatically, as soon as it was released, is now one I've thought about and decided I don't need.

If I can keep this up for the full year, I'll prove something to myself. I'll be much more selective next year, when it comes to spending money on luxury items. I'll remember this year, not heading to Best Buy every new-release-Tuesday, and it'll be easier to choose my purchases more wisely.

Translating that kind of restraint to my eating habits is another matter. I'll just have to go along doing the best I can, trying to catch myself before I slip up, and forgiving myself when I do go off the diet. Getting back on track is more important than punishing myself for the occasional derailment.

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