bunt sign

Thursday, March 28, 2002

This spring weather has brought everyone out of their clammy houses, but do they all have to congregate on my sidewalk? Can't they just stay inside from 10:30 to 11:00 on weekday mornings, or walk somewhere else?

The people who walk slowly don't bother me, because I can pass them. It's the ones who plod along, not fast enough to stay ahead of me but too fast for me to get by, that I'd like to vaporize. If they're not in a hurry, why can't they walk on the other side of the street? Gah!

I had to pass two people this morning. The young woman was eating a sandwich as she walked and didn't even look my way as I went by. The man was twice my size and half my age. As he came to the crosswalk I had hopes that he'd cross the street, but all he did was push the button to change the light and then keep walking. I hate that. I hate it even more when I'm driving and have to stop for no reason, but I hate in on principle, too.

"Asshole," I muttered under my breath. I think it was under my breath. If he heard me he had the good sense to pretend he didn't. I walked past, then realized what I'd said within earshot, and walked a little faster the rest of the way to the post office. Sometimes I forget I'm not alone all the time, just twenty-three and a half hours a day.

It dawned on me today that when I talk about my dieting plans, it's one of the few times I write about the future. Most of the time I live in the present, and once in awhile I'll dip back into the past. I don't think I've had much to say about the future for a long time. In fact, I think I stopped even thinking about the future at some point in the (heh) past, but I'm not sure when.

The reason is that when I do look ahead, I don't see any great changes in my life. Deterioration maybe. The time line is getting shorter and showing a few more jagged edges. Almost every day I'm faced with some reminder that my body — and my mind, for that matter — are going to let me down more and more often.

Based on past experience, I don't see any other major changes ahead. I'm never going to have that perfect job, where I get rewarded for making other people's lives better. I'm never going to be surrounded by friends who laugh at my lame jokes and pull me forward into a newer, better life. Obviously I'm not going to spend my old age surrounded by loving grandchildren.

Things are just pretty much going to go on as they have for the last, oh, thirty years or so. I know this, and that's why I don't dwell on it. And I'm almost sorry I started thinking about it today, but there you go. The mind tends to wander.

it's a jungle out there

The walkway is getting a little overgrown and could use some work.

Ah, but don't think any of this depresses me. If I thought too much about it, it might. That's why I don't. It's a simple philosophy of taking each day and trying to squeeze a little juice out of it. Every so often you get the bitter rind, but that's probably good for you, too. Or so I have to tell myself.

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