bunt sign

Wednesday, April 21, 2004

Even though I live alone and work at home, I don't usually feel as disconnected as I have the last few days. I don't want to make too much of it (mostly because I can wear myself out with the over-thinking type behavior), but I don't seem to be fully engaged with the rest of humanity just now.

It's come to the point that even when I'm talking face-to-face with someone whose interests I share, I have a hard time relating on anything but a superficial level. I'm even kind of grateful when I don't have to, when someone wants to talk about things that don't matter, or things that matter so much I don't have to think about what to say about them.

The pressure to produce and the stress of new endeavors have combined to put me in this state of emotional paralysis. Most of it has to do with the different direction the company is taking, and my not knowing exactly how I fit. I've admitted often enough that I don't like change, and I haven't had to adjust to such a major shift in the work situation since I started with the company nearly eighteen years ago.

It's not that I'm consciously (or semiconsciously) withdrawing from people. It's more that the energy it takes to keep conversation flowing is being redirected to other, less rewarding (so far) pursuits. I can't talk because I'm thinking too much. Worrying too much. Wondering too much what my life will be like a year from today.

This isn't unique in my life, and it's certainly not unique to my life. Maybe I'm just more aware of it this time. I'm pretty sure I'm making more of it than I should, for the sake of my own health. I can't seem to break the cycle yet, though.

21 April 2004

Oak branch.

I can't even tell you how much the yard situation is adding to the stress. I'm totally convinced that once the weeds are mowed down to the ground, I'll sleep all through the night and smile all through the day. (I tend to put a lot of faith in the small things that might or might not turn my life around.) When that's going to happen, I have no idea. I just hope it happens before it's too late.

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If you think I'm going to mention the Giants' 11-0 loss to the Padres tonight, you're wrong. Obviously, Barry Bonds didn't hit a home run in this game.

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One year ago: Trying Times
"That tomorrow, should it ever actually arrive, is going to be crammed so full that it'll have stuff leaking out of it."

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