bunt sign

April 17, 2000

Looks like I picked the wrong week to give up procrastination. (Should've done it last week, I guess.) The indolence and sloth that serve me so well most of the time have let me down in my time of need. I'm just not very good at pushing myself this hard. I'm slow like the tortoise, but not as determined. I'm lazy like the hare, but not as quick. Aesop would have a hard time finding a positive moral in that fable.

It's not that I don't know what to do. It's not even that I don't get things done. It's more that my mind is telling me to keep going, and my body is rebelling.

Now it's almost funny to remember how long I've looked forward to moving. I've been ready to get into a more comfortable place for years, but over those years I've settled deeply into this quaint old burrow of mine. The roots are strong, and it's taking more energy than I thought it would to pull up and replant.

Here's my day: I get up determined to get through the work in my in basket. I figure that if I start at the top of the pile and work down, the day will be a success. Then my eye catches an empty box, and some bric-a-brac or knick-knacks that need to be packed away in that box. Right now. I start on that job, then remember the report I'd just started working on and go back to that. I go back and forth like that all day, until I have several projects half done, and several others done half-assedly.

Meanwhile, I have to stop every couple of hours to ice my back. My legs keep getting heavier, and a box I could lift yesterday I have to push from room to room on my hands and knees today.

My hands are a disaster. I have bruises and scratches and cuts at every joint. Every knuckle is bloody and every cuticle is raw. And everything I try to do seems to aggravate the situation. I've handled more cardboard in the last week than I have since I gave up retail, and I'd forgotten how hard it is to avoid mangling your fingers with paper cuts. Or I'll be putting a heavy carton in the back seat of the car and pinch my pinky against the plastic seatbelt latch.

I could use a break, but that's not going to happen. I can't stop myself. I can't just sit and watch TV without yanking myself out of the chair after a few minutes. It might look as if I've been struck by a sudden inspiration, but it's just the nagging feeling that nothing will get done if I don't try to do everything, right now. Everything's always "right now."

If I were better organized, or more determined, or if I didn't seem to be breaking down physically, I could be at a plateau by now. I could be at a place where I can say, "I've done all I can to get ready for the move Sunday. Bring it on." But my brain won't let me think that way, so I keep moving.

Surely if I put all this effort into a project, the rewards will be worth the pain. Surely that's a light I see flickering at the end of this long, dark tunnel. Surely I don't really have bric-a-brac and knick-knacks.

Suzanne came by after she got off work this afternoon. Sometimes I pack things in boxes too large to fit in my car, and I have to rely on the good nature (and van) of my sister to get it out of my way and into the new house. While we were there she pointed out some things she'd noticed when she and John were putting in my little patch of lawn yesterday. This picture doesn't quite do justice to it, but it does give a hint of how much further I have to go to make the yard into the garden spot it could be. At least I have an experienced adviser in this (long-range) project.

We weren't sure what kind of tree this is.But here's a sample blossom. Any ideas?

I don't think I'm in the right frame of mind to be a juror this week, but I'm on standby anyway. I have to call the court tomorrow morning to see if I'm to report in the afternoon.

When I got my notice, I wanted to be on a jury. And the timing seemed perfect, but that was just before I rented the new place. Then I got caught up in moving, and by the time I made the connection — jury duty the same week I'm moving — it was too late to back out.

Somehow I'll make the best of it. If I have to spend all day cooling my heels in a courtroom, I'll just have to spend all night packing and working. At least I'll finally get a chance to sit and read a book, without the usual distractions. New distractions, but not the ones that are bouncing me off the walls around here lately.

Some poor litigants could have their case decided by a man whose mind is elsewhere and whose heart isn't really in it. Let's hope a savvy attorney can see through the pose to the baffled bumpkin beneath.

Oh, but it will all be over soon, won't it? And then it will all be worth it. I just have to keep telling myself that.

That isn't a very good picture of that blossom up there, is it?

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